Women are from Mars, and Venus
Fandom: Cagney and Lacey
Written for: cgb in the Yuletide 2007 Challenge
by Sandy Herrold
Thanks so much to Rache and Lydia and B for helping me figure out what I was writing -- and the wacky people who post C & L clips to YouTube! You saved my bacon.
Cagney didn't consider herself superstitious, not more than most cops anyway. But she always thought it was a good sign when she and Mary Beth arrived at the same time. This morning, there Mary Beth was, wearing her new winter coat. Unfortunately, Isbecki was waiting on the stairs, all but leering at them -- and that was never a good sign.
Mary Beth nodded 'Good Morning' at her and said, "What's up, Victor?" She never put off until they were upstairs what she could harass Isbecki for now.
"Just remembering how great it is to have women in the 14th," Isbecki smarmed.
They shared an eyeroll and a grimace, and Cagney moaned, "Oh god, undercover as prostitutes again."
They passed Petrie in the hall. He didn't leer -- Petrie wasn't a leer-er -- but he did look them up and down in a way he usually had better sense than to try. "Sheesh, what's up?" Mary Beth said. "It's like they found a bra and panties in the mail or somethin'."
The lieutenant didn't keep them wondering. They'd barely gotten their coats off when he said, "I need you to go check out a Korean women's spa down in K-town."
Cagney tried to ignore the hoots and hollers, but she sucked at that. "Hey, we didn't make fun of you guys when you had to check out the men's bathhouse on 75th."
Mary Beth frowned at her and said, "Ah, actually Chris, you did. For days."
"I'm sure they deserved it." She pulled her coat back on and made a face at Isbecki.
Mary Beth ignored her and said, "We can't actually pass for Koreans, no offense, sir."
"Apparently, plenty of non-Korean women use it. Use it to pass drugs, that is. We don't have a lot of information yet; just use the facilities and keep your eyes open."
"Use the facilities," repeated Isbecki, sounding about twelve.
"Grow up, all of yous," Mary Beth said, looking around the room (carefully not including the lieutenant in her glance).
Cagney grabbed her purse and put on her best butter-don't-melt-in-my-mouth look. "Go figure, Mary Beth. We're getting this fabulous chance to have some spa time on the city's dime; if they had any sense they'd be envying us. I guess they just don't realize that women's spas aren't like bathhouses. They aren't -- what did you call that place, Petrie? -- Skanky."
"I'm sure you'll both have a lovely time," said the lieutenant. "Just keep your eyes open."
"Yes sir." Cagney let Mary Beth answer for both of them and headed out.
* * *
"What would you like, ma'ams," a young Korean girl asked them. "Salt scrub, seaweed wrap, turtle massage? Gam shikcho and lunch? Or just soak and energy rooms?
They shared glances for a second, and Cagney said, "Soak and energy rooms sound fine." The foyer seemed fine -- nothing screamed "we sell drugs here" -- and it was fun to put down cash at a spa and know that the city was going to reimburse for it.
"Please to give me your shoes."
They each kicked their pumps off, and apparently traded them for locker keys. The process took an astonishingly long time for what seemed like a simple procedure, and interestingly, some women who came in after them got through first. Cagney noted the faster ones, and grabbed a map of the facilities as well.
Finally, they got their locker keys and headed in.
"It's a bit dingy," Mary Beth said quietly.
"Not as bad as ours at the 14th," Cagney whispered back.
Cagney found her locker and looked around. Weirdly, after all the time they spent in the women's room and locker room at work, this did feel kinda uncomfortable. Maybe it was the other women around them. Cagney got undressed feeling like she was back in high school -- remembering how important it was neither to be too shy nor too immodest, neither to look away nor to stare. Of course, in school, she told herself, she hadn't been a cop, given orders to check out the other women there. Letting the whole thing go, she pulled on her robe, looked in the mirror, and grimaced.
"Yeah, it doesn't flatter," Mary Beth said, looking at her own reflection. "Hey, remember your watch."
They followed a couple of women who looked like they knew where they were going. At the soaking room door, the sign said, "No robes or swimming suits allowed."
Mary Beth turned and looked at her. "So this is why they were giggling?"
"Apparently. But when did any of them go to a Korean women's spa?" Cagney pulled open the door and stepped into the swampy soapy heat. "Whoo."
"Yeah, this is really somethin'," Mary Beth said, scoping it out.
Her first impression was wet. Wet tiles, wet hair, wet skin. Next to the coat rack full of robes was the first of four large soaking tubs, each holding a naked woman or two or three. One of the tubs had a fountain -- almost a waterfall -- pouring into it; another had dark tinted water. The room was split almost in half by a trough with a stream of water running down the middle. The back of the room was almost invisible in the steam and haze.
While Christine was still fingering her robe, deciding just how undercover they needed to go, a little old Korean lady, eighty if she was a day, and of course, naked as the day she was born, tottered up to the trough. Apparently spurning the showers along the wall, she stood by the raised stream and calmly, piece by piece, soaped herself up, and then splashed water from the trough to rinse herself off. Cagney didn't even realize she was staring until the lady started to energetically soap her privates, and Mary Beth whacked her in the arm.
"Well," Cagney said, unenthusiastically, "Let's go."
They slowly peeled off their robes, and rinsed off in the stall-less showers. "Now what?" Cagney asked, trying not to feel completely uncomfortable and exposed among the nonchalantly naked women around her.
"Howsabout that one?" Mary Beth pointed and headed off without waiting for an answer, taking them to a pool labeled Waters of Wa: 104 degrees. She put one foot onto the steps leading down, and just as quickly, pulled it back up. "Mother of God, Chris! It's a million degrees."
Cagney immediately had to try it. She put a foot in, tried not to flinch, and pulled it out again, hoping she'd had it in longer than Mary Beth had. "Ah, okay, what's the next one like," she said, trying to sound relaxed. She lowered her hands again from where they kept trying to climb up to hide her breasts and stepped over to the one labeled Waters of Energy: steeped in Mugwort. It was bizarre to step down into water so dark she couldn't see her own feet, but at least she didn't feel so naked, and the temperature was pleasantly, rather than deathly, hot. "Not so bad," she said, moving down on the hidden bench inside the pool.
"Not bad at all," Mary Beth said, sinking down beside her.
They looked around at the ten to fifteen other women washing or soaking, or just lounging naked in the room. They tended to be either young-ish and white, or older and Korean, and the two groups didn't seem to interact much. "So, which group do you think is involved?" Cagney had a hard time looking at the naked little old Korean ladies and seeing drug dealers. Of course, they weren't all old.
Lacey was bouncing a little in the water, letting the warm mugwort run over her shoulders and neck. "This feels good, Chris."
Cagney relaxed her shoulders a little and slumped a little deeper in the water. "I guess."
"What?" The fountain, the showers, all of the water noises bouncing of the tile combined to make it hard to hear. Mary Beth moved a little closer and said, "I mean, it's a little weird, all the nudity. But it's all women. What's the harm?"
The black water drawing a line just below Mary Beth 's collarbones together with her dark hair made a rather dramatic frame. "Harvey should see you now."
"You think?" Mary Beth smiled, and stretched again in the water.
Cagney had never really thought of Mary Beth as a sybarite, but maybe water was a weakness of hers.
Mary Beth pushed herself out of the water and sat on the edge of the pool with only her legs still in. "Whew, it's hotter than I thought." Cagney was amazed to see her look perfectly comfortable sitting there, just like some of the college-age girls sitting on the edge of the larger pool nearer the trough, as if baby-related stretch marks and age-related drooping breasts didn't matter at all. Huh. She'd never noticed how perky mb's nipples were, before; or how the right one pointed up, and the left one pointed down.
A voice on the intercom announced, "10 o'clock appointments -- massage, seaweed wrap and salt scrub." Someone pulled a curtain back showing four or five beds -- more like tables -- sticking out from the wall, each with a barely dressed Asian woman standing next to them. Women -- both Korean and white -- made their way over and laid down, still naked, on the tables, and the attendants soaped them up.
Cagney looked up, and yes, Mary Beth was staring at them too. "I think that's the salt scrub, Chris. Looks intense." It did, actually. The attendants were really working up a sweat, soap flying through the air. "Oh my god, Chris!" Mary Beth leaned down and hissed in her ear. "They're cleaning their ho-hos."
Cagney couldn't help but look, and yes, wow -- they were lifting up one leg and really, uh, digging deep there. "Huh. Maybe we shouldn't stare." She looked around the room and saw a couple of women coming out of the sauna. "Hey, the sauna would be a private place..."
Cagney used mb's hand getting out of pool and then pulled her up after, noticing her muscles flex as she stood. They grabbed a towel from a rack by the door and walked in. Cagney stopped just a step in, stopped by the weight of the heat and humidity.
Mary Beth ran into her.
"Sorry."
"Sorry."
If nothing else, she'd ensured that every women in there was staring at them. The women inside were sitting on towels, but otherwise as naked as inquisitive jaybirds. Maybe it was the lack of the pools, but the women seemed even more naked just sitting there. The room was small and circular; there really wasn't anywhere to look that didn't have women's breasts staring back at her. Not that there was anything wrong with that, she just didn't want to stare. Or be stared at. Or admit for a second that Isbecki was right, and that this was weird, squared.
Mary Beth found a couple of spots next to each other and spread out her towel for them. "You can wear that one if you'd like."
"What? I'm fine." Cagney realized she was standing with her towel held in front of her, and she didn't seem to want to put it down.
Mary Beth subtlely pointed to the one woman in the sauna wearing her towel.
"No rule against it, apparently."
Cagney sat down and put the towel firmly between them. She immediately pulled it out to blot her forehead, which was nearly running with sweat. "It's amazing in here. I've never been in a sauna this wet before."
"I don't think I've ever been in a sauna. I kinda like it." Mary Beth smiled at her. Her hair was flat and sticking to her face, she was covered with sweat, and she looked great. Chris looked around the small dim room again, trying to see it with cop eyes. It was damper than a flooded basement in here, and women were constantly coming and going. She'd seen movies of mafia guys making plans in saunas, but either those movies weren't very authentic, or women were different; this just didn't look like a very fertile place for crime.
With perfect timing, Mary Beth asked, "I'm getting hot; you ready to go?"
Back in the pool room, the salt scrubs appeared to be done, and most of the pools were a little more full. "I wanna try the waterfall," Mary Beth said, heading that way.
Cagney followed, but cringed as they got closer and the splash from the waterfall started to hit her skin. "Ack! That's freezing!" The sign said Waters of Life: 68 degrees. "No way. How about that one?" She pointed to one at random, and walked down the steps into the steaming water.
Mary Beth smiled at her from above. "This is the one we decided was hot like burning when we first got here."
"I never would have guessed." Cagney stared up at Mary Beth -- she'd never seen her like this. Her view skimmed up from a recent pedicure, passed the shiny scarred spot below her right knee, following the drops of water up her thighs. And stopped. "You know, I think I'm starting to get light headed. Maybe it's time to check out the rest of the place."
"Suits me."
They toweled off, pulled their robes back on and stepped back into the locker room.
"Cold!" Cagney said, pulling on skimmers to get her feet off of the cold tile. The redhead she'd seen at reception was standing at the mirror laughing at her, and she smiled back.
"You are little miss whiny today," Mary Beth teased.
"I promise to quit complaining just as soon as I get to put my own clothes back on!"
"Shh, Christine." Mary Beth led them through to the back half of the spa and pointed to a sign that said, No nudity in energy rooms. "You know, they're justa little bit bossy here. Must be nude in the bath area, can't be nude here."
A woman behind them answered her. "A while ago, the NYU crowd discovered this place. They were inundated by women who didn't understand the system, and worse: lesbians. Every time you turned around, women making out in the hot tubs and the energy rooms. Put a whole new slant on "women's time'."
Mary Beth looked at her and they exchanged glances. An influx of new people could include drug dealers. Cagney turned to their new informant. "It's our first time here -- any recommendations?"
"Definitely try the salt room. It's my favorite." She pointed at the door straight ahead. Figuring what the hell, Cagney opened the door. Again, she almost stopped in place at the sudden weight of the air. Not wet here, but so hot it felt like a blow. Mary Beth stepped around her into the dark red light. The room had nothing in it but some pillows, inches of sand on the floor, and a couple of women lying down in matching robes. They exchanged looks again and slowly laid down in the hot sand.
It felt better than it looked, and in no time, Cagney felt herself relax into the heated floor. "Hmm, this is nice."
"Yeah. I wonder if Harvey would mind turning the bedroom into this -- some heaters in the floor, a box or two of Morton's salt."
"Salt?" she murmured.
"Yeah, here on the floor."
Cagney ran her fingers through the sand and realized Mary Beth was right. They were lying on inches of salt crystals. "Don't they do this to steaks before they grill them?"
"Oh, I could murder a T-bone right now." Mary Beth 's voice was low and soft.
"Hey, we'd better not go to sleep in here." Cagney looked around the room to keep herself awake. Her eyes had adapted to the low orange-red light, and she could see the other two women. They were lying quite close together, with their arms around each other, talking slowly. Their robes were more off than on. Above their heads was a sternly written sign saying, No touching, No nudity in energy rooms. Cagney felt no huge urge to enforce these particular rules, but she was amused to see them so casually flouted.
Mary Beth looked comfortable, so she left her behind and checked out a couple more rooms; other than different temperatures and floor textures, they were all the same: small warm, dimly lit rooms with a few women per room. These seemed much more conducive to business deals, but the norm seemed to be very quiet speech, and other women could join you at any time. She found separate massage rooms, but the one she checked out didn't have any sort of cubbies or closets, just four square walls. The hallways themselves were a little mazelike and dark enough, perhaps, but they carried echoed noises from different parts of the spa. She was tempted to call out and see if her echo would answer back. She checked her watch, frowned to see only her damp wrist, and retraced her steps. Back to the salt room, she found Mary Beth dozing, curled up in a little salt depression. Her feet were arched, her knees pulled up into her robe; she looked about six years old.
She ran a finger down Mb's cheek, waking her. "Get up, sleepy head." She held out a hand and helped her up. "Let's blow this joint, eh?"
They headed back to the locker room. By this time, Cagney was unsurprised to see the same redhead who'd smiled at her hanging out near the back lockers. It was all making sense. She glanced over; Mary Beth seemed to have noticed her too.
"I don't know about you, but I'm starving!" Getting dressed, even with a relative roomful of women now, seemed a lot easier.
"Me too. Did you bring lunch?"
"Nope. Chicken on Rye? Taliskos?" She pulled on her tights, and started looking for her shoes before she remembered that they were outside. Ping. That was the final piece of the puzzle. She slipped the skimmers back on to keep her tights from getting wet and followed Mary Beth back out to the foyer to get their shoes back.
The receptionist was an older woman this time. She traded their shoes for keys with a minimum of fuss. Ten minutes later they were wolfing down sandwiches as if they'd spent the morning digging ditches.
Cagney finished every bite of her sandwich and her pickle before starting to talk. "I think it's the morning receptionist."
"Yeah, me too. At first I thought people were passing her extra money when they checked in, but now I think it's in the shoes."
"And the drugs are in the lockers, I'll bet you. It's actually a pretty slick setup." She motioned to Mary Beth's plate. "Pickle?"
"Sure." Mary Beth checked her watch. "Check in with Lieu, and then go get a warrant?"
* * *
Say one thing about Isbecki, he had a fabulous sense of timing. "They're back," he called from the stairs.
"Thanks. We love to be announced," Cagney drawled. "Where's the Lieu?"
"Back in five," said Isbecki. "Did you get lucky?"
Cagney wrinkled her nose at him. "You know that just working here at the 14th makes me feel lucky nearly every day."
"So, how was it?" Petrie asked. "Naughty little old ladies, sex in the corners, lots of steam, slightly creepy, people questioning your sexual preference?"
Cagney and Mary Beth exchanged glances. "Hate to break it to you, Petrie, but women are cooler than that."
"Had a lovely time," agreed Mary Beth, and they both tried very hard not to giggle.
While they waited, they started writing up their report. As many times before, Mary Beth typed, and Cagney leaned over her; this time trying not to notice the salt smell of Mary Beth's hair.
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