Fandom: Daria
Written for: Kass in the Yuletide 2004 Challenge
by krabapple
Daria was sitting on the floor of Jane's room, watching her assemble together what looked like a lamp, a sofa cushion, the legs of a mannequin and rubber daisies, the kind old people use to line their bathtubs to prevent slipping in the shower. Jane was currently fussing around the collection of objects, occasionally muttering to herself and using a Bedazzler to apply small bits of sparkles in what looked to Daria like random patterns.
"Why am I here?" Daria asked.
"Do you mean that in the existential sense, or the literal sense?" Jane questioned back, the Bedazzler adding a pink piece of sparkle onto the corner of the sofa cushion.
"Literal, please."
"Then that would be waiting to see if Trent comes home, planning a nefarious entry in Quinn's date planner, and avoiding studying for your French test, though you shouldn't hold me to the order of that. It's possible the date planner scheme comes first." The end of Jane's tongue was peeking out of the corner of her mouth as she adjusted the lamp to the right.
"I'm flattered by your insight into my psyche, mon amie."
"Thus exhibiting your complete knowledge of the French language."
"Touche."
"Ohhhh, you've picked up another piece of vocabulary. Impressive."
"As my best friend, shouldn't you be more supportive in situations like these?"
"This is me being supportive." Jane put the Bedazzler down on the bed and frowned. "Can you hand me my glue gun?"
Daria pretended to pull a face. "If I don't want it pointed at me there's no way I'm going to actually touch it."
Jane smirked and fumbled under the bed for a minute, emerging glue gun in hand. "Why don't you like my glue gun Daria? It has saved my life on more than one occasion." She then proceeded to use the glue gun to attach pink ribbon onto the mannequin's toe.
"Your life, not mine," Daria replied. "I owe the glue gun nothing."
"But it is my soul."
"No, it is your penis."
Jane looked up and cocked an eyebrow. "Really, Daria?"
"Think about it. The shape itself is certainly phallic. And it emits a white, gluey substance when stroked. You make the call."
"Is that why you don't like me to point it at you?"
"Yes. I'd appreciate it if you didn't point your fake penis in my direction."
"Is that my glue gun in my pocket, or am I just happy to see you?"
"Hopefully, it's your glue gun," Daria deadpanned.
"What if it isn't?"
"What if it isn't your fake glue gun penis?"
"Maybe," Jane replied.
"Jane, do you have other fake penises I should know about? What else are you keeping underneath that bed?"
"There's nothing else under my bed. Mostly. Except for the occasional stray body part. Remember, you can't prove anything."
"Uh-huh."
Jane continued to glue ribbon up and down the fake leg of her mannequin. "So."
"So."
"So. What if my other fake penises are in the closet?"
"Jane, are you really keeping that kind of thing in the closet? Because if so, I think you are fairly close to reaching guest status on `Sick Sad World'."
"No other glue guns in the closet. Just me."
"Well, okay then."
Jane looked up from her hot glue gun. "That's it?"
"What?"
"That's all you have to say about this conversation?"
"Listen, this conversation took a disturbing turn around the beginning of the glue gun section. I'm just trying to keep up."
"Have you kept up?" Jane asked.
"If you're saying you're a lesbian, then, yes, I've kept up quite nicely. Better than I would have if we had had this conversation in French."
Jane quirked a smile. "You really should be studying for the test."
"I'm too busy listening to you unsubtly tell me you're gay."
"Well, not gay. Exactly. I prefer the term `equal opportunity shopper.'"
"That's incredibly consumerist of you."
"I know. I need to come up with something that doesn't feed into the capitalist mass-consumption culture of America."
"You work on that."
"I will."
There were a few minutes of silence while Jane continued to fiddle with her structure, arranging legs and gluing studs that looked suspiciously like small blue bunny rabbits onto the lamp. Finally Jane put down the glue gun and let out a little sigh, sitting on the floor next to Daria, leaning her back against the bed.
"Not to go all after-school-special on you, but are you sure you're doing okay, here?" Jane asked.
"Well. There's no hot glue being injected into my eye, so I'm fine," Daria replied.
"You know what I mean."
"I do. It's not exactly earth shattering news. Well, maybe if it were Quinn."
"Please. Quinn is a lipstick lesbian if I've ever seen one. And I should know."
"Yes, apparently now you're the expert."
"I'm in the club. I got a toaster oven and a pair of boots. The toaster oven was nice."
"The boots sucked, huh?"
"Yeah."
"You're wearing them right now, aren't you?"
Jane smiled. "Yeah."
Daria smiled back. "Excellent." She shifted a bit in her spot. "Should we discuss this any further? Are you comfortable with your decisions? Do you have a type? Anyone special? Do I sound like your mother yet? I am already horrified with myself."
"My mother's voice is much more nasal."
"I could attempt that."
"No. You're okay." Jane said. "And I think `girl' pretty much counts as a type."
"True." Daria seemed to consider something for a minute. "You know, I don't hang out here just because of Trent."
"I know. You're my best friend and science project partner. And the model for all of my fashion disasters. Also, occasionally the foil in my plot to take over the world."
"You mean my plot to take over the world."
"Whichever. The point is, one of us should be in charge."
"Yeah." Daria paused. "But what I mean is that I don't hang out here just because of Trent."
Jane was quiet for a minute. "You mean, you don't really mind it when I point my glue gun at you?"
"The actual glue gun I mind. The metaphor, not as a much."
"Oh."
"Yeah."
"Well, that's good to know." Jane smiled and shifted a little closer.
"Good," Daria said. "Well. This has the advantage of now becoming an incredibly awkward moment. I should be proud."
Jane smiled a little wider. "Not if I do this," she said, leaned over to Daria, and kissed her.
When they broke apart, Daria said, "That's a whole lot better than awkward."
"I agree. For the record, you can point your glue gun at me any time," Jane said, stifling a laugh as Daria moved over and kissed her back.
